Whilst some of the 190 respondents in our survey indicated that they had experienced sex under duress, there was also a group who were unsure. Ultimately, nearly a quarter of the VU students surveyed have experienced sex under duress or have significant doubts about it. The difference between men and women is striking: for men, one in ten have experienced it, whilst for women, it is more than one in three. Of the six non-binary individuals who completed the questionnaire – a vulnerable group when it comes to sexual violence – one person has experienced sex under duress.
“These percentages are more or less comparable to national statistics, says Willy van Berlo, an expert in sexual violence prevention at Rutgers. The data also shows that the student age group is at the greatest risk. “Among young adults aged 18 to 24, 43 per cent of women have experienced some form of sexually inappropriate behaviour – online or offline – at some point, compared to 16 per cent of men.” This is much more often than in the total group of women and men.
Sexual violence
When does sexual violence occur? And what exactly is rape? According to Willy van Berlo, an expert in sexual violence prevention at Rutgers, it varies. “Under the law, sexual assault is the performance of sexual acts with a person who lacks the will to consent. If there is also sexual penetration, it constitutes rape. Since 2024, force is no longer a requirement; instead, consent is central: a person is liable to prosecution if they knew or could have known that the other person did not want to have sex. In Rutgers’ own research, sexual violence is defined as sex involving manual stimulation or penetration against the other person’s will.
Van Berlo cannot stress this enough: to have sex that is enjoyable for all parties, it is essential to establish consent. “Only by asking can you be sure that someone is okay with the situation.”
Just how important it is to ask for consent is illustrated by the harrowing story of 27-year-old Sanne, who recently graduated as a medical student from VU Amsterdam. At the age of 17, she had a traumatic sexual experience with a man who was 10 years older than her at the time. Sanne finds it difficult to put into words. “It wasn’t a classic case of coercion; I wasn’t pinned down and there was no violence.” Yet, looking back, she believes it was a case of abuse.
It all began when Sanne was invited by the man in question to his house party. “It was quite a long way from my house, on the other side of Amsterdam. I decided to go with a friend; we were looking forward to it. When we arrived, we turned out to be the first ones at the party.” When the man offers Sanne and her friend a bong to smoke weed, Sanne decides to try it for the first time in her life. From that moment on, everything goes downhill. “I reacted extremely badly to it: I froze completely, my sense of time was completely thrown off and I panicked. I couldn’t take it anymore and he let me lie on his bed.” Paralyzed with fear from her bad trip, Sanne stays in the man’s bed for the entire house party. She sends her friend home. “I’ll just sleep it off,” Sanne tells her. “I’ll just stay here until I feel better.”
When the party is over, the man lies down in bed with her, something Sanne really doesn’t want at that moment. Because of her numb and anxious state, she is unable to say anything. “He then spent the whole night trying to have sex with me, but he couldn’t manage to go through with it and finish. It was a very long night in which he sweet-talked me and kept saying I was a woman, even though I was only 17 years old. ‘You’re such a beautiful woman,’ he’d say.” Every time Sanne thought it was over, the man would turn round and try to get an erection. “And then it would start again. That’s how it went on all night, until at some point he gave up. I didn’t know what to do about the situation, what to say or what’s normal. I didn’t dare leave and I thought it would stop of its own accord.”
At dawn, the man falls asleep. “The next day, I was allowed to have a shower and was told where I could buy the morning-after pill. I suspect he had no idea how traumatic that night was for me, because when I left, he casually suggested we do it again another time.”
What Sanne’s story illustrates is that there doesn’t always have to be a malicious person involved who is deliberately intent on rape. But because the man never asked for consent, it still qualifies as sexual assault. “Even if you are not physically forced, as long as there is no consent, sex in such a case is a criminal offence,” says Van Berlo. “That man should have known that you cannot have sex with someone in such a situation.” For Sanne, it ultimately took years before she was able to come to terms with the experience.
Help after sexual violence
So what can you do if you are a victim of sexual violence? Of the respondents to our survey who have experienced sex under duress, 36 per cent received help, 62 per cent received no help, and two per cent did not know where to turn for help. What does Van Berlo advise? “Get in touch with the Sexual Assault Center. That’s a place where they have everything on hand to help you, including filing a police report, support services and therapy.” The care is in principle free, though a contribution may be required from the mandatory risk excess. Recently, political party SP argued for the abolition of this excess in cases of sexual violence.
Eventually, years after her traumatic sexual experience, Sanne decides to seek help. She chooses a course run by the Safe Space Club, an organisation that helps victims of sexual violence. “There, I was taught biology and sex education all over again. Instead of the theoretical sex education at school, this was much more about how an orgasm builds up, what consent is, and what you enjoy rather than what you should avoid. I can recommend it to everyone.”
Would her traumatic experience have had a different outcome if Sanne had taken that course earlier? “I’m glad you asked that; I think so. If I’d been more aware of my boundaries and better at communicating them, things might have turned out differently.”
Victim blaming
According to Van Berlo, asking such questions can quickly put you on thin ice. “Let me start by saying that it is always the perpetrator’s fault. Of course, it’s good if, as a woman (or man), you are confident and know where your boundaries lie. But with questions like this, you quickly slip into victim blaming – suggesting that the victim is to blame for the sexual violence rather than the perpetrator. It implies that someone should have guarded their boundaries better. And that is disastrous: victims often already feel shame or blame themselves, and victim blaming only exacerbates that. We really need to put a stop to that.”
If someone in your circle has been a victim of sexual violence, support them fully, advises Van Berlo. “Be there for that person, tell them it’s not their fault. That’s very important.”
What should people be aware of to avoid unconsciously committing sexual violence? “If you want to have sex with someone, you need to constantly check in with each other. What do you want? Do you still want to? If you’re not sure, ask, and if you’re still not sure, then stop, period.
Educating about consent
Rutgers is fully committed to education that focuses on consent, alongside respect, responsibility and diversity. “Our mission is to improve sex education in schools, with content that goes beyond mere biological facts,” says Van Berlo. Schools are required to address sexuality and sexual diversity, but they are free to decide how they do so. Among other initiatives, Rutgers has developed the ‘Long Live Love’ teaching package for secondary schools, in collaboration with Soa Aids Nederland. There is also the ‘Butterflies in your stomach’ teaching pack for primary schools, in which children learn, among other things, to treat each other with respect.
Sanne’s name has been changed for privacy reasons; her real name is known to the editors.