“The room was a biohazard zone”, remembers Alex (not his real name), who lived in a four-person apartment during his time at Amsterdam University College four years ago. “I thought we were all adults”, Alex initially expected when he moved in. Shortly after, he discovered that being an adult did not necessarily mean having respect for basic hygiene, at least not for Roommate X – an alias he came up with for the student he shared his bedroom with. As a sea of mouldy dishes, dirty laundry, and take-out boxes started swallowing his space, with various insects paying the room a visit, he realized that not everyone was equally skilled in living away from home.
At first, he attempted to educate X. “I wrote a huge Google Doc explaining all basic chores, basically life 101.” This did not bring much change. Alex’s sleep time was limited due to X’s nighttime gaming routine and frequent, unannounced gatherings he hosted. The conditions in the room triggered Alex’s skin allergies and worsened his asthma. Eventually, AUC allowed him to move out to a single room in the second semester.
Awkward conversations
How do you deal with such situations? Lack of cleanliness and noise disturbance are the two most common problems prompting students to contact Aino Kekkonen, the Student Life Officer at AUC. Although other things come up during her meetings with students seeking advice, these two topics tend to be the most pressing issues. Her role is to offer guidance for students regarding issues outside of the academics, and roommate disputes are one that people often bring up. She finds communication to be absolutely key in resolving these conflicts. “I often ask students if they’ve talked to their roommate. You’d be surprised by how many people say no.”
Kekkonen also notes that after an unsuccessful initial confrontation, students often dread having follow-up talks with their roommates, “Part of being an adult is learning to have these uncomfortable, awkward conversations”, she emphasizes, adding that communication needs to be continuous, and students should not expect their roommates to always be aware that they’re doing something wrong. “You think it’s obvious that something is bothering you, but your roommate can’t read your mind”, she says.
When confrontation is not enough, she suggests finding around three main issues each side would really like to see change. In her view, roommates need to let some small disagreements slide, but they should try to agree on working on the most significant problems “to make it through the year and to be able to live somewhat comfortably together.”
Silent revenge
Lack of proper communication may lead to silent conflicts, which rarely resolve on their own. Mike (not his real name), a second-year Psychology student who has lived with a roommate for a year, noticed at one point that his personal belongings started disappearing. He suspects his roommate is behind this. “I don’t have proof that he is taking them, so I can’t confront him”, he says. Mike also has trouble sleeping, as his co-tenant often makes noise late into the night. He decided to confront him about this, which only worked for a short time. An unvoiced conflict emerged between them. Mike believes the noise and theft might be a form of silent revenge, since the roommate never expresses any grievances himself. Interestingly, such tension does not always mean lack of friendship. “When we hang out, it’s fun”, Mike says. He has decided not to touch on the disagreement and wait for the roommate to move out in a couple of months when his contract is set to end.
Crossing boundaries
Those who get along with their roommates, believe that the first weeks of living together are crucial to getting off to a right start. “Don’t live separate lives”, says Béa Blattmann, who shares her apartment with Jasmine Bacha, both second-year Psychology students. They didn’t know each other beforehand, but became best friends after moving in together. “In the first weeks, you should go out with your roommate, meet friends together”, says Blattmann. “Statistically, the more you see someone, the more you like them”, she adds, citing her Psychology classes.
But being friends should not exclude privacy. “You need to say so when your boundaries have been crossed”, says Sara Kamaha, a PPLE student at the University of Amsterdam. She became very good friends with her roommate, but still considers protecting her privacy to be the key to feeling comfortable at home. Bacha and Blattmann also admit that they value their own space, and consider having separate bedrooms to be a perk.
For those who aim at peaceful coexistence, Kekkonen advises writing down an agreement, in which they clearly establish their expectations and boundaries. “It might feel silly and official to immediately go in with a form, but it’s going to save you a lot of trouble later”, she says, explaining that it helps to bring things up during later confrontations. She also finds it important for students who are moving in with a roommate to manage their expectations. “You will have to compromise. If it’s not 100% your room, then you can’t expect everything to go 100% like you would want”, she says.